People who have a hard time setting boundaries as adults usually experienced these 9 things as kids

Growing up, most of us picked up beliefs and behaviors that still shape how we relate to others. For some, saying “no” and standing firm can feel like a Herculean task.

If you’ve ever wondered why you wrestle with sticking up for your personal needs, you might find some answers in childhood experiences that molded the way you see yourself and your worth.

As you might know, here at Small Business Bonfire, we love delving into the psychological roots of everyday challenges.

Boundaries are no exception—especially since they play a massive role in both personal well-being and professional success.

Let’s explore nine common childhood experiences that often lead to boundary issues in adulthood.

1) They were never taught that “no” is okay

Some kids grow up in homes where “no” practically doesn’t exist.

Anytime they pushed back against a request—whether it was about doing chores right that second or hugging a relative when they didn’t feel comfortable—they were met with criticism or punishment.

Over time, this teaches a child that disagreeing isn’t just frowned upon, it’s downright off-limits.

I recall a friend who shared that, in her family, saying “no” was interpreted as defiance or disrespect. By the time she hit her twenties, she struggled to say “no” at work or in relationships. She felt guilt and fear, believing it would cause conflict or make her appear uncooperative.

This early message that “no” isn’t acceptable can create an adult who avoids confrontation, feels responsible for everyone’s feelings, and has a hard time maintaining personal space.

Let’s be honest—if you’re taught from a young age that saying “no” jeopardizes your relationships, learning to set boundaries later in life can feel almost impossible.

2) They were discouraged from expressing negative emotions

I’ve mentioned this before but emotional expression is part of being human.

However, in many households, anger, sadness, or frustration are viewed as “bad” emotions that need to be squashed.

Kids who repeatedly hear “Stop crying” or “Don’t be so sensitive” can start believing their natural emotional responses are inappropriate or shameful.

A 2017 study in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that adolescents who suppress their emotional expressions due to negative parenting practices are more likely to experience internalizing problems, such as anxiety and depression.

When we can’t communicate what upsets us, we lose that critical first step toward setting a clear boundary.

Emotional awareness is foundational to healthy relationships. Without it, we risk saying “yes” just to keep the peace, even though deep inside we’re uncomfortable.

3) They were expected to please everyone

Many of us were told, directly or indirectly, that our main job was to “keep everyone happy.”

This might mean laughing at jokes we found offensive, denying our own preferences to accommodate others, or smoothing over any tension at all costs.

Children who constantly cater to a parent’s mood or tiptoe around an irritable guardian learn that they must be pleasant 24/7—or else.

By the time these kids become adults, people-pleasing is second nature. If you’ve ever agreed to a friend’s favor while your gut screamed “I don’t have the time,” you’re not alone.

I used to do this all the time, picking up extra shifts for colleagues because I felt responsible for their feelings. It left me exhausted and resentful.

Overcoming that reflex requires a lot of self-awareness and the willingness to risk someone’s displeasure—which can feel scary when you’re wired to always keep everyone content.

4) They were guilted or shamed for putting themselves first

Guilt has a particular sting.

Many of us heard phrases like “After everything I do for you, this is how you repay me?” or “You’re so selfish.”

Kids interpret those statements as evidence that their personal desires or needs are a burden. It doesn’t take long before they start believing that good people always put themselves last.

Being called selfish for even the smallest attempts at self-care cements the idea that boundaries are inherently mean. And so, as adults, they avoid drawing lines to dodge that intense feeling of guilt.

It’s the same reason many of us apologize excessively: we’re convinced we’re imposing on others by simply existing or having needs.

5) They had overprotective parents who never let them speak for themselves

Sometimes, a parent’s desire to protect their child can overshadow the child’s need to develop independence.

If a parent always intervenes—speaking to teachers on the child’s behalf over minor issues, taking charge of the child’s schedule, or making all their decisions—this can teach the child that someone else will handle the tough stuff.

Over time, that child never really learns how to assert themselves.

If a kid never faces any uncertainty or challenge on their own, they don’t develop the confidence needed to establish personal boundaries. When they become adults, they might default to letting others decide for them, because that’s what feels normal.

6) They never saw healthy boundaries modeled at home

Even if the rules in a household were strict, that doesn’t necessarily mean the parents themselves had good boundaries.

For instance, if Mom or Dad always said “yes” to neighbors, overcommitted at work, or allowed relatives to meddle in family affairs, the child absorbs that example.

Kids learn from observing how the adults in their lives protect (or fail to protect) their time, energy, and mental space.

I remember a neighbor’s dad who was practically on call for everyone in the community—picking up groceries for one neighbor, fixing a leaky faucet for another, lending money to family members. He rarely refused any request, and as a result, he was constantly drained.

My neighbor grew up believing that saying “no” was rude and selfish, because he never saw it modeled by his father.

As an adult, he repeats the same pattern—always overextending and feeling guilty when he tries to scale back.

7) They received inconsistent feedback and confusing rules

Imagine living in a household where a parent praised you one day for speaking your mind, then punished you the next day for “talking back.”

These mixed signals can leave a child unsure of how to act. They might shut down rather than risk stepping on a landmine. In other words, it’s safer to comply and keep quiet than to express personal needs.

By the time they’re grown, these individuals may have a lingering fear that if they set a boundary, they’ll face an unpredictable backlash or rejection. Some of them become adept at reading other people’s moods, trying to figure out which version of the person they’ll get that day.

Boundary-setting is tough enough without wondering if it will be met with acceptance or punishment.

8) They were denied privacy or personal space

It’s really difficult to develop a sense of healthy autonomy if you’ve never had a place to call your own.

Some kids can’t close their bedroom door without an interrogation. Others might have parents who go through their personal items, read their diaries, or listen in on phone calls. This communicates the message that privacy is a privilege you don’t deserve.

When those kids grow up, they often have trouble setting limits around their personal space and time. They might let friends crash at their apartment indefinitely or allow bosses to contact them late into the night.

A big part of boundary-setting is knowing that you’re entitled to your own mental, emotional, and physical space. If you never had it as a child, it can feel alien to protect it as an adult.

9) They were punished for asserting independence

Last but not least, some families view independence as rebellion.

If a kid tries to do something on their own terms—like choosing extracurriculars, selecting their outfits, or stating a career goal that doesn’t align with the parents’ vision—they’re swiftly shut down.

Over time, that child might learn it’s easier to comply than face constant disappointment or anger.

This can have a long-term impact on boundary formation. Independence and boundaries go hand in hand because drawing a line says, “This is who I am, and I stand by it.”

Without a safe environment to practice independence, that skill rarely gets honed. So as adults, these individuals freeze up when they need to put their foot down or clarify what they will and won’t tolerate.

To sum up

Our childhood experiences shape our relationship with boundaries in ways we often don’t realize until we’re knee-deep in the adult world of obligations and relationships.

Recognizing the root cause of a boundary struggle is a powerful first step toward change.

If you find yourself resonating with multiple points here, know that it’s never too late to unlearn old patterns and develop healthier ones.

Small shifts, like giving yourself permission to say “no,” or standing firm even if it feels uncomfortable at first, can have a massive ripple effect on your well-being.

Keep on the up and up.

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