We all yearn for love, acceptance, and understanding from our parents.

However, when a parent’s behavior is driven by narcissism, these fundamental needs often go unmet, leaving behind a landscape filled with guilt, confusion, and diminished self-worth.

A narcissistic parent wields emotional manipulation—using tactics like guilt-tripping and controlling behavior—to maintain power in the relationship.

This form of emotional abuse can be profoundly damaging, especially when it comes from someone we naturally look up to and depend on for guidance.

In this article, we will explore the psychology behind these harmful behaviors and unveil 9 common phrases a narcissistic parent might use to manipulate and control their children:

1) “You owe me”

One of the key tactics a narcissistic parent uses is the concept of indebtedness.

This often manifests in phrases like, “I raised you,” or “After everything I’ve done for you.”

The idea is to make you feel guilty, as if you owe them something for the basic responsibilities they carried out as a parent.

This not only distorts your perception of a healthy parent-child relationship but also makes it difficult for you to assert your boundaries.

You may notice this phrase being used when you’re trying to create some distance or attempting to make independent decisions.

The narcissistic parent will remind you of their sacrifices, effectively using guilt to control and manipulate your actions.

2) “Don’t be so sensitive”

Narcissistic parents often employ this phrase as a way to invalidate your feelings.

If you express hurt or discomfort over something they’ve done, they may respond with “Don’t be so sensitive” or “You’re overreacting.”

This is a form of gaslighting — a powerful manipulation tactic where one person makes the other question their own reality, feelings, and perceptions.

By dismissing your emotions, the narcissistic parent maintains control and avoids taking responsibility for their harmful actions.

Hearing this regularly can lead you to suppress your emotions and doubt your own experiences.

But it’s essential to remember that your feelings are valid, and being sensitive or emotional does not make you weak or unreasonable.

3) “I’m doing this for your own good”

This phrase is a classic in the repertoire of a narcissistic parent.

It’s often used when they impose their will or make decisions on your behalf without considering your feelings or preferences.

While it might seem like they have your best interests at heart, the reality is this phrase serves to justify their controlling behavior.

They use it as a shield to deflect criticism and to avoid acknowledging that their actions may actually be causing harm.

The truth is, it’s not for your good if it’s undermining your autonomy and causing distress.

It’s about them maintaining control.

You have every right to make your own choices and mistakes, that’s how you grow and learn.

4) “I never said that”

Hearing this from a narcissistic parent can be incredibly frustrating and confusing.

You know what you heard, but they flatly deny it.

This is another form of gaslighting, where they’re trying to make you question your own memory and sanity.

They might twist the narrative, change details, or completely deny events to suit their own version of reality.

It’s a way for them to avoid accountability for their words or actions and to keep you off-balance.

This can be deeply damaging, leading to self-doubt and a lack of trust in your own perceptions.

It’s vital to remember that you can trust your memory and your experiences, and it’s okay to stand up for your truth.

5) “You’re just like your [other parent]”

This phrase is often used by a narcissistic parent as a form of criticism or insult, particularly if they have a fraught relationship with your other parent.

They may use this comparison to belittle you or make you feel inadequate.

It’s a hurtful tactic designed to make you feel flawed or unwanted.

The intention isn’t to offer constructive criticism, but to manipulate you into behaving more in line with their preferences.

6) “When I was your age…”

We’ve all heard this one before. A narcissistic parent might use this phrase to dismiss your experiences or achievements.

The subtext is usually that they had it harder, did it better, or knew more when they were your age.

It’s a way for them to keep the spotlight on themselves and diminish your feelings or accomplishments.

It can make you feel as though you’re constantly falling short or not living up to their expectations.

However, it’s crucial to remember that everyone’s life journey is different and cannot be compared.

Your experiences and achievements are valid and should be celebrated, no matter how they may differ from those of your parent.

7) “I was just joking”

A narcissistic parent might use this phrase to cover up hurtful comments or criticisms.

They might say something that stings, and when you react, they brush it off as a joke.

This tactic allows them to evade responsibility for their words while also making you feel overly sensitive or lacking a sense of humor.

It’s a subtle way of undermining your confidence and self-esteem.

Humor should never be at the expense of someone’s feelings.

If a joke hurts, it’s not a joke. It’s okay to let them know that their words are hurtful and not funny to you.

8) “You’ll understand when you’re older”

This phrase is often used by narcissistic parents to dismiss your opinions or feelings.

It’s a way of saying that you’re not mature enough to understand the situation, effectively undermining your intelligence and capability.

While it’s true that with age comes wisdom, it doesn’t mean that your current feelings or perspectives are invalid or should be brushed off.

This phrase is just another control tactic, designed to keep you in a submissive and dependent position.

Stand your ground. Your thoughts and feelings matter now, not just when you’re older.

You have a voice, and it deserves to be heard.

9) “I’m your parent, not your friend”

This is perhaps one of the most important phrases to watch out for.

Narcissistic parents often use this line to establish an authoritarian dynamic, where they hold all the power and control.

While it’s true that a parent’s role is different from that of a friend, this doesn’t mean that respect, understanding, and open communication should be absent from the relationship.

Using this phrase is a way for them to shut down any dissent or disagreement you might have, making you feel powerless or belittled.

Wrapping up

Dr. Karyl McBride, a psychologist specializing in narcissistic relationships and author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” says, “The most important thing to remember is that it’s not about you, it’s about them. You are not responsible for their actions or words.”

Prioritizing your mental health and well-being is essential.

Setting boundaries, seeking therapy, or joining a support group can be effective steps toward recovery.

This article aims to help you recognize potential signs of narcissistic behavior, not to diagnose your parent.

If any of these phrases resonate, consider discussing them with a mental health professional.

It’s important to remember that exhibiting one or several of these traits doesn’t automatically label your parent as a narcissist.

Though this journey may be painful and challenging, remember: you are worth it.

You deserve love, respect, and understanding—always.

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